I’m in the middle of a 21 Day Self-Healing practice that Reiki practitioners may be asked to complete as part of their training. I require this practice of my Reiki students, and I will periodically “re-commit” myself as well.  Although I have a daily practice, it’s good to do an occasional intensive to dust away the cobwebs.

I am trained in Zen-style meditation (zazen) and even after years of practicing Reiki, it is always an adjustment for to me to place my hands together in a gassho (prayer) pose at my heart for meditation, instead of together in my lap. It often feels like supplication – please, please, let my mind settle down and be still – and not a coming together of my ordinary mind with my enlightened mind into one.

After my meditation time this morning, I decided to spend a few minutes placing my hands on my lower abdomen. I’ve been having  discomfort from uterine fibroids and the area has been tender. There is something both comforting and empowering in being able to activate the healing process from within.

But still, this morning I found myself praying for help – and then angrily rejecting the help.

I squirm uncomfortably at the word “sin.” But I am starting to understand what it means to suffer from the “sin of pride.” To sin is any time we turn away from God, under the assumption that all what we want and need can be obtained externally, or by our own power.

By asking God and the angels for help – and then rejecting it – is my sin of pride rooted in fear or feeling unworthy. It is a rejection of all God has created that is good, whole, and lovable in me. It is a mistaken understanding that I exist apart from God and can deal with my issues on my own, thank you very much. It is a deep, dark fear of seeming weak, incapable – or worse, that I am the cause of the problems I seek help healing.

In the midst of this awareness, I recalled a dream I had last night. A client had visited my office. She is one of my intuitive clients, one with an extraordinary gift she is struggling to incorporate fully into her life. It’s hard not to believe sometimes that she is going crazy. But I can assure you, she is not crazy. She is sweet, loving, and filled with divine light.

In the dream, she remarked in an agitated sort of way that my treatment room seemed dark. I didn’t really understand her concern. Two lamps were lit and light filtered in through the windows. She left and at some point, I opened up the closet storage door, took out a light bulb and held it. The light bulb spontaneously lit in my hands. As I looked closer in amazement, I noticed the light bulb had a small knob on the side, like one you would use to turn it on and off. But something else had lit it from within.

I understand the dream in this way: I am innately filled with divine light and energy. We all are. But sometimes we still need help turning on the light. It is not weakness to turn the knob or ask for help. It is how healing is made possible: through God, the angels and others in our lives who have gifts of love, care, and insight to offer.

We are not in this alone, no matter how much our pride or fear keeps us from reaching out. I think that is why Reiki is a healing art and practice where hands press silently in prayer and gratitude, but also one where we reach out with our hands to offer comfort and compassion.

Alone and together. This is how we ignite the light from within.